Three Billy Goats Gruff

At some point over the weekend, (perhaps during a stirring game of Frrisbee golf) I got poison ivy on my face. Ergo; throughout the course of yesterday my face became increasingly puffy/mutantish looking until this afternoon when my right eye became completely swelled shut. On the bright side I have a great Halloween costume, but on the dark side it's a few months too early.
Today while picking up my prescription I had a nice conversation with a very young Iraq war vet. I was sitting in CVS desperately waiting for my prescription when this guy walks by and says, "What happened to you?" I guess their is a certain level of physical deformity which makes people feel like they can ask you questions like that. We spent the remainder of the time talking in the store about his sixteen broken bones, the best/worst one to break and how he carried his intestines around after getting hit with shrapnel.
It's strange because I've read articles saying that our volunteer army in Iraq is composed almost entirely of young men from rural areas, particularly the South, and now I had a chance to talk with someone who fit the bill. He told me he had a wife and a kid. His conversation about shrapnel and broken femurs seemed a bit odd to me, almost unbalanced. And yet, and yet, he was the only person who would look at me today. I'm a fairly decent looking guy day in and day out so it was hard to see children asking their father's in the elevator what was wrong with me. By the end of the day I was hissing at light, and pretending that I needed to feed on children's brains to subsist. But I could only do this from the solitude of my apartment where all good dreams are made, like a troll beneath a bridge.
Anyhow, nothing incredibly insightful here. But let me recommend that you contract poison ivy yourself and spread it to the area around your eyes and then walk around and see what it makes you feel like. It's not nearly as telling as Black like me, but I feel like the modern mantra is beautiful like me, and it's hard to measure up. I'll probably hole up again tomorrow and then come out when I hear the clip clop of hooves at my door.

The Three Billy Goats Gruff
Norway

Once upon a time there were three billy goats, who were to go up to the hillside to make themselves fat, and the name of all three was "Gruff."

On the way up was a bridge over a cascading stream they had to cross; and under the bridge lived a great ugly troll , with eyes as big as saucers, and a nose as long as a poker.

So first of all came the youngest Billy Goat Gruff to cross the bridge.

"Trip, trap, trip, trap! " went the bridge.

"Who's that tripping over my bridge?" roared the troll .

"Oh, it is only I, the tiniest Billy Goat Gruff , and I'm going up to the hillside to make myself fat," said the billy goat, with such a small voice.

"Now, I'm coming to gobble you up," said the troll.

"Oh, no! pray don't take me. I'm too little, that I am," said the billy goat. "Wait a bit till the second Billy Goat Gruff comes. He's much bigger."

"Well, be off with you," said the troll.

A little while after came the second Billy Goat Gruff to cross the bridge.

Trip, trap, trip, trap, trip, trap, went the bridge.

"Who's that tripping over my bridge?" roared the troll.

"Oh, it's the second Billy Goat Gruff , and I'm going up to the hillside to make myself fat," said the billy goat, who hadn't such a small voice.

"Now I'm coming to gobble you up," said the troll.

"Oh, no! Don't take me. Wait a little till the big Billy Goat Gruff comes. He's much bigger."

"Very well! Be off with you," said the troll.

But just then up came the big Billy Goat Gruff .

Trip, trap, trip, trap, trip, trap! went the bridge, for the billy goat was so heavy that the bridge creaked and groaned under him.

"Who's that tramping over my bridge?" roared the troll.

"It's I! The big Billy Goat Gruff ," said the billy goat, who had an ugly hoarse voice of his own.

"Now I 'm coming to gobble you up," roared the troll.

Well, come along! I've got two spears,
And I'll poke your eyeballs out at your ears;
I've got besides two curling-stones,
And I'll crush you to bits, body and bones.

That was what the big billy goat said. And then he flew at the troll, and poked his eyes out with his horns, and crushed him to bits, body and bones, and tossed him out into the cascade, and after that he went up to the hillside. There the billy goats got so fat they were scarcely able to walk home again. And if the fat hasn't fallen off them, why, they're still fat; and so,

Snip, snap, snout.
This tale's told out.