Housing Blitz

Today we started working with a real-estate agent because we wanted to get serious about the housing search. I was hoping for a dude driving a corvette and wearing a pair of awesome shades, but we got a middle-aged motherly lady instead. And I'm just wondering, how is this lady going to know what kind of house we want? She doesn't even drive a Corvette. I was indignant, or something akin to that. The English language is occasionally too vast for me to be able to pin down exactly how I feel? Am I hungry or just really really angry? Hard to know.

I think I should probably start with the worst house and work my way up. The low part on the totem pole of the day, (and I'm talking like the part of the totem pole that's buried here, and maybe the American Indian/Native American cut the corners a little bit when he was sanding the thing down, and it's a bit rough to the touch because who gives a sh-t it's going to be buried anyway, no one is seeing this part of the pole. And now you've got a splinter in your hand from digging up this pole, but you can't properly complain about it because it's only a splinter and you're a man for crap's sake, a full-grown man can't complain about a splinter, but it's uncomfortable. It sort of hurts, this splinter, when you're opening doors and the like and all because some Native American/American Indian was cutting corners on the low part of the totem pole...that bastard) Aside complete, continue with main plot.

Malvolio: Kidding. Just a little Shakesperean humor for you. Most of the houses we attended today were empty, people were off at work, or living in their new condo in Florida et al, but the low totem pole house had a bunch of people just camped out in the living room watching television. Which, doesn't exactly make the house feel like your home. Nothing screams new home like twenty people popping out of doorways, but I've gotten ahead of myself. Anyhow, we walked in front of the tv, (cardinal sin, I believe, the eleventh commandment. Thou shalt not obstruct the sightling of the viewing box. Viewing box being the King James translation, the Bible not always being as hep (is hep a word people use now) to all of the technological advances of the past two thousand years or so. Anyhow, yet again, we proceeded to inspect the kitchen, which was surprisingly decent looking, except that it smelled as if they'd been feeding, slaughtering, and cooking an animal in the kitchen just minutes before our arrival.

"Do you usually slaughter them in the entryway or directly on the counter?"
"Does this scent come in potpourri?"
"I notice you're cooking what smells like death in here. (Pause) I think it could use some cayenne pepper."


Then we wandered down into the basement where a plague of flies accosted us. And that's what we get for breaking commandments, a plague of flies, or locusts, or whatever. I'm fairly certain it was a plague of something, but not pies because what kind of a plague would that be? A delicious one.
I'm fairly certain that their was a dead body on the premises, but we found ourselves in a hurry to leave before discovering it, and feeling as though we needed to call the police. We then proceeded upstairs, breaking the eleventh commandment a second time in the process and walked into incredibly small rooms that were housing somewhere between three to five families. Again, nothing says this house can be yours like a bunch of people popping out of every room like clowns out of a car. We then sprinted out of the house and didn't even speak about the home. We just acted as though that part of the day had never happened.
"How many houses did we see?"
S: Six.
I thought it was--
S: We saw six homes (shudders)

Author's Note: In now way does this author condone/find comical the tough living situations of families in D.C. However, he would like to point out that said tough living conditions are kind of scary/off putting when you are viewing homes as a walk-in.

We watched 500 Days of Summer in the evening, which we both thoroughly enjoyed. A bit of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind here.