Things to remember

We're finally in the game on a house and probably going to get it. Knock on cheap imitation IKEA particle board. Ergo; one of the most important things to do when you finally are ready to get a house is to immediately go onto your local crime web site and check out how many registered sex offenders you'll be living near. Really, it's a great tool if you want to unconvince yourself of buying a house. I'm aware that unconvince is not a word, but it sort of is.

Anyhow, you can go on the web site and view pictures of these people and see the actual crime they were accused of. It's the sort of thing that no doubt brings a great deal of assurance to our parents. It's also a great way to frighten yourself out of ever leaving your home. As if the constant noise of cicada's didn't do that enough. Do they eat people?

S: We'll be sharing our back yard with a registered sex offender.
M: Our actual back yard?
S: Almost.
M: That's why we're building the privacy fence.

Notes on making a deal.

I've decided that I'm great at bidding on houses because I grew up ripping off my friends in baseball card trades.

M: I'll give you a Dale Murphy Donruss for your Mark McGwire Topps rookie.
Friend: Is that a good deal?
M: Oh yeah, that's a great deal. I'm doing you a favor taking that card off your hands. It's worth it to break up your complete set. You'll have a Dale Murphy


Thus, the tough part about dealing on a house is that I can't rip the person off and then go home and celebrate with my Beckett monthly.

Honestly, it feels like a game of Monopoly at this point because the sums are so far above what I've ever spent on something. Besides that time I treated myself to the spa in Vail, but I just really needed that month. Thus, a difference of five thousand dollars almost feels like nothing. I mean, we're basically talking about Baltic when I'm trying to put a house on Board Walk. Remember landing on Baltic? And you'd have to shell out sixty bucks to buy it, but then a house would only net you like twenty or so in rent. I mean, what the hell was the point? And why didn't anyone ever land on the overpriced greens? I lost so many games because green was my favorite color. And yet, everyone was always going to jail or landing on community chest, and I'm damn near bankrupt with those expensive and useless greens. Aside complete. I mean, Baltic, who cares?



Do we overvalue shelter? Yes. But theirs nothing I can do about it. My plan to redivert (now a word) the Potomac back into the city and turn it into a modern day Venice was shot down by my wife and the kind people who run the series of locks along the river.

I don't think you get to celebrate at all when you buy a house. I think you get to go to Benjamin Williams web site and decide if you prefer a deep red or a nice mossy/sage green for your kitchen. Its times like these when I wish that I was color blind like my dad, so I could opt out of the whole thing. Oh wait, I did.

S: I went to a blinds store while I was waiting for you.
M: Oh.
S: You wouldn't believe how expensive blinds are.
M: Oh.
S: Can you guess how much a good set of venetian blinds costs?
M: I can't.
S: What kind of blinds would you prefer on our windows?
M: I'm not having this conversation.
S: What?
M: I'm not talking about blinds. Call your sister or some other woman.

Despite the registered sex offenders, lack of knowledge on how one makes a pass through in a kitchen, (every time I google it everyone suggests doing it yourself. Isn't their one more person like me who isn't sure which end of the hammer you're supposed to use? What's with all the do-it-yourself folks. I thought Americans enjoyed watching television, not rewiring plumbing) or whether light colors do indeed make a room appear larger, I think we're going to get this one. And then, let the regrets begin.