Tuesday

What the hell is Tuesday? It isn't a sucky Monday? It's not hump day. It's not Thursday, which is pretty much the new Friday. It's certainly not the weekend. F- Tuesday.



6:15 A.M. Stare at my alarm in disgust. Decide that tomorrow will be a better day to start the great American novel.
7:40 P.M. Wake up ready to begin the great American novel.
7:40-8:20 Check houses on Redfin obsessively.
9:00 A.M. Continue to grow more proficient at my job.
12:00 P.M. Have a discussion about baboons/the viability of turning phytoplankton into charismatic mega-fauna to increase awareness of its demise. Consider having a polar bear eating phytoplankton.
4:30 P.M. Complete work for the day and spend the last four minutes checking houses on redfin. Decide that we've made a mistake in offering on the house today and that we should wait until we can see two other cheaper options.
4:30-5:30 P.M. Work out. Do a variety of stretching exercises that I learned in Pilates. Feel decidedly less masculine than I'd prefer. Content myself with the fact that I'm close enough to thirty to not care. Continue to care a great deal despite aforementioned resolution.

6:30 P.M. Drive over to view new listings in order to further sow seeds of discontent within my housing heart. The houses are in a quiet neighborhood overlooking the street from a small hill.

Advantages of the new house/s.
1) Location. The small hill that the house is located on will make it prime real estate in case of peasant uprising. Boiling pitch can be poured and will run naturally down the incredibly steep incline.
Disadvantages: The chances of a peasant uprising decrease as a lousy democratic society further takes hold.
Mental note: Have surgery on labrum before attempting to move couches up two flights of almost ninety degree angled stairs. Everybody loves a good supervisor.

M: Okay. I think if you guys turn it on its side. No. Not that way. Yep. Like that. Watch the finish!

2) Interior. I've only seen the interior in pictures, so I can't obsess over how many things are wrong. It looks pretty good from the photos, which pretty much show everything.

Disadvantage: I haven't been inside the house. Photos can get more doctoring than Michael Jackson...(is it too soon?)
Mental note: Check on the price of recycled glass vs. granite. Consider scientific evidence that if we pull too much granite from the earth's core that it will implode. Plausible.

3) Large backyard. The house has a big backyard where we could let our dogs/children/butterflies play. The latter being notoriously hard to retrieve.

Disadvantage. You share the backyard with your neighbors who will probably be dupliciitous folks who will own a large slobbering dog or a small slobbering child.
Mental note: Try to talk friends into buying the other side of the duplex.

4) People in the neighborhood seem nice/friendly/love walking their dogs.

Disadvantage: They have dogs. Dogs have been put on the earth for the sole purpose of eventually attacking me.
Mental note: Make sure to punctuate all of these oddly.Also make sure to always mention as you drive through your current neighborhood how happy you'd be to stay. Then look up the prices and go sit in the dark for a while muttering to yourself.
Consider buying boiling pitch and putting arrow holes in the screened in porch of your future home. Insist that the new neighbors call you Dr. Bertaina at all times.

Neighbord: Hi. I'm Kevin and this is my wife Nancy.
M: I'm Dr. Bertaina and this is my better half S. Note: Always use terms like better half and chuckle to yourself to be kind of annoying. Ask Kevin if he wouldn't mind paying for half of the privacy fence between your two yards. Demand that the two of you build a latrine in case the peasants take the main yard. Act put out when Kevin declines. Invite he and Nancy over cards. Cheat outrageously. At some point during the evening administer a slap to his face and challenge him to a duel. Insist on a 5:45 A.M. time. Sleep in. Offer to walk dogs in the neighborhood. Allow them to poop everywhere so people will realize how annoying they are. Put house back on the market and constantly complain to Kevin/neighbors about anything that will bring down your resale value. Demand that he keep his two children out of sight at all times. Sell house. Move into new neighborhood. Repeat.