We're off to the mountains

In one last futile attempt to escape the clutches of the city, (note that in any OT Bible verse that cities are pretty much harbingers and waystations of crime and tomfoolery). we're heading to the Shenandoah Valley again this fall. It's important to go to the Shenandoah Valley at least once during the fall so when people ask you what you did during the fall you can say, "I went to the Shenandoah Valley," which will sound really impressive. Trust me. A bit more impressive than "I watched a lot of college football games." Even if, deep down, you know that college football games are way better than leaves changing color because things happen faster in a game and leaves take their sweet azz time. I know from reading magazines like Time and US Weekly that our contemporary society likes things to happen quickly and leaves don't change color quickly. Though sometimes it's fun to say, "I can't believe that tree is so red. I feel like it happened overnight," because then it makes nature seem more like television, which is fun.

Interpolation: With S out of town I decided to watch every new television show that NBC or ABC premiered including a tandem watching of DWTS and So You Think You Can Dance. Here's my recommendation for the fall lineup.
Community-Overhyped not funny enough.
Glee-I hate it when any television show does a mock football game. Has it ever been done well? Answer: no. On the whole a pretty decent show. Not like Melrose Place good, but honestly, what is?
Modern Family-It's like some sort of hybrid between two and a half-men humor (read: not funny and intended for mass consumption by Americans who are by and large easily entertained) and Arrested Development. (read: intelligent comedy that demands that an audience pay attention to get the subtle interplay). Ergo; funny enough to watch and typical enough to probably stay on the air.

Interpolation in which Andrew talks to Anne Lacey about their respective Thursday nights.
Anne: And I'm just sitting there wanting to write, and then I find myself watching Cougar Town.
M: Oh yeah, I watched that one too.
M: The whole premise strikes me as implausible. Hey, I'm a really attractive/lusty woman who can't find anyone to sleep with.
Anne: It wasn't funny. It was just a bunch of people in awkward situations.
M: Kind of like this one where two people who got expensive graduate educations to write stand around talking about sitcoms.
Anne: Please don't mention this conversation to anyone else.

If you say Shenandoah out loud you'll notice that it's the sort of place that you should probably go for a fall trip. It just sounds right. I remember my trip to camp there last year. Though really, I primarily remember vast hordes of mangy deer sniffing around our tent. Remember when you were a child and you thought seeing a deer was majestic? Me neither. Deer are giant rats. Also, if one is sniffing/clopping around your tent at 2 A.M. it's pretty easy to lie in your sleeping bag panicking over the bear that is outside your tent. Then telling yourself, "No. No. You're crazy. That's not a bear. And even if it was, what's he going to do? Is he going to rip his claw through the side of the tent and carry you off into the wilderness? Is that what that bear is going to do? And yes, you realize that that is exactly what that deer/bear is planning to do and you start wondering how many people will make it to your funeral and what they'll do about your mangled body. Damn I love camping!

M: I think I'm just going to watch TV this year.
S: Don't make me think we spent 50,000 dollars on nothing.
M: Now when I watch the shows I can at least critique the writing and say things like, "I could have done better."
S: That's not really doing it for me right now.
M: Me neither.

I'm unclear on what bears eat, but I think it's a strict diet of blueberries, hair, and human flesh. Also, every time I'm on a hiking trail with any bear signs I start obsessing over whether a bear is going to be around the corner, and trying to remember if you're supposed to make yourself look big or curl up in the fetal position. I think it might depend on the bear. And you start wondering like how fast you could run. Like if you could outrun a bear. Or even if you would, what with the wife being with you and all. And if you'd be noble like that guy in Grizzly Man and let the bear take you first. And I guess you don't really know what you'd do in a situation like that until you are actually being chased by a bear. Let's just be honest here.

I have similar fears after about twenty minutes in the ocean regarding sharks, which is why I never properly took up surfing. Sitting alone on my board at six A.M. having fantasies about my leg being ripped off my body really didn't do it for me. In the end it's sort of just a long way of pointing out what I said in an earlier post about the world's most dangerous animal, which is (drum roll) a bear riding a shark or a bear carrying a shark. Either way, you're dead.



Note: Please excuse the above vulgarity, which is typically edited in this blog but is being kept due to perceived comedic value. Please also excuse the usage error of now your f-d instead of now you're f-d. Though this blog typically specializes, itself, in common usage errors and probably should not put on any airs or is it errors? about it.

Here's a nicer picture of a bear.