S and I made an offer on a house today. It's sort of sad to think that we could be done counting cabinets and trying to tell from pictures of a washer and dryer from the ceiling level if the basement really is finished. I received the call about 4 P.M. that we needed to place an offer on the house immediately, and I left work, grabbed my super man cape and headed off to Silver Spring where I met with our real estate agent. Then followed a long conversation with her in which we signed roughly 1,000 documents.
Realtor: Okay, now this one says that you fully accept lead paint in your house and the new scientific studies that it actually increases children's access to happy places.
M and S: Initial enthusiastically.
Realtor: This one says that in the event of a fire, if you go in to save a pet and are crushed by a beam in excess of ten by ten that the prior owner is not liable for causes.
M and S: Initial with vigor.
Realtor: This one says that you're aware the house has termites but you f--ing love that kitchen!
M and S: Sign vigorously.
Realtor: This one says that you're aware of the water in the basement but you're willing to bet that in the event of a flood you can construct a raft made by the strict specifications offered to Noah in the Old Testament.
M and S: Sign with style.
Realtor: This one says that in the event of a cave bear attack from the jungle that is now your backyard, you will not sew the bear or any of its offspring.
M and S: This feels unnecessary but let's sign anyway.
Realtor: This paper states that in the event of your passing all the rights of your soul pass immediately into my hands and I am free to barter with any deity, including Roman and Greek as specified under different names for your place in the after life.
M and S: Sounds to good to be true!
Realtor: This one says that in the event of any haunting, (barring zombies and ghouls) that you will vacate the house for thirty days and have it irradiated by at least on of the characters from the 1980's movie Ghostbusters excluding Bill Murray.
M and S: Seems reasonable.
As we get in the car to leave.
S: What did you think of all that?
M: Of what?
S: Signing our life away.
M: I wasn't really paying attention.
S: We just offered x for something and you didn't pay attention?
M: We probably won't get it.
Thought for the day. Question: Are you a God-fearing man? The answer should really be yes either way. Either someone is afraid that God doesn't exist and their beliefs are a sham or they are afraid that God does exist and their belief in unbelief has been a sham.
Stephen Myers tips for living in NE DC
#5 Make friends with local homeless people. Who will attempt to sell your porn DVDs of dubious provenance out of their overcoat. Selling stolen goods out of an overcoat. Totally cliche, right? This also actually happened. Depending on your perspective, this benefit of NE living is either proof of its seediness, or will save you a trip to the adult store.
#6 Fourth of July in NE? Close approximation to World War III. Again, either bad or awesome depending on point of view.
#7 Actually awakened by spotlight of police helicopter circling nearby shining in my window.
As for his wife's thoughts on his former accomodations in DC: She now views my former living arrangements as some combination of Compton, inner city Detroit, and Baltimore as depicted in The Wire.
Your realtor is in Silver Spring? Where? I live in Silver Spring! Is it me?
ReplyDeleteNo srsly, Josh and I are kicking around the idea of meeting with someone, so if you found someone you liked (or didn't dislike enough to work with) we'd love some more info.