Work Orientation

9 A.M. Walk into the building where my work training and orientation is being held. Immediately realize that I've forgotten the paperwork that I so carefully placed out on the table that morning apparently for the express purpose of forgetting it.

M: Should I go back on a lunch break and get it?
Facilitator 1: Let me see if I can help you with that? (Shuffles paper)
M: Because I don't mind just going back home for it?
Facilitator 3: Go sit down! Note: said with the brusqueness that is characteristic to Eastern European women, in a tone that puts fear into the hearts of most Westerners who grew up watching films like Rocky IV.

9:15 A.M.-9:45 A.M. Engage in banter about various things with the people at my table. Watch carefully as someone else folds up their name tag and places it on the table, so I don't screw up my own. Arts and crafts were never a strong point. Had a future AU employee relate a story about getting on the metro for the first time and ending up in tears proclaiming, "We don't ride the metro in Kentucky. We ride horses." Awesome. Spend the rest of the day encouraging her to horse commute to work.
Calculate that the cost of hay is prohibitive.

9:45-What seemed like forever
Listen to the facilitator relate the benefits package while trying to set the world record for yawns in a single hour. Notice that I have mistakenly shaved after putting on my shirt. Brush the carpet from my shirt futilely.

Facts that I learned about American University.

George Washington wanted to start the university during his presidency, which according to Wikipedia took place a long time ago. In an almost Kafkan bureaucratic nightmare the university did not open until 1914, by which time George and Martha were no longer with us.

The first class at my prestigious university graduated in two year degrees, perhaps making it the Phoenix college of its time. No word on whether you could get a degree in the mail by sending in two hundred dollars and a barrel of hay.

Misnomers: Learn about the title of the university publication: American today.
Fac: It's usually published bi-weekly.
M: (In my head) I guess American bi-weekly just isn't as catchy.

Unintended Irony:
Facilitator: Now we're going to talk about harassment.
(A car horn honks in the distance simultaneously). Queue picture of man yelling "hey baby! as he honks.

1:30-3:00
Tour the campus where I've gone to school for the past three years. Learn that almost every building has 51 working faculty members. Secretly begin to suspect that she's just reading the same card over and over and that we're not listening closely enough to call her on it.

3:30-5:00
Wind up the day by learning how to access my already existing e-mail account. A day well-spent.

The sort of conversations that should have taken place but didn't:

Fac: Your health care options include Blue Cross Blue Shield or Kaiser Permante.
M: Which one of those plans will include death squads? I'm not comfortable being shot against a wall just yet.

Fac: Neither of these plans include death squads.
M: Is that something that can be changed?

Fac: The HMO Open access is a good deal.
M: Will all undocumented workers/immigrants receive health care from this plan?

Fac: The dental plans are as follows....
M: Will the death squads attempt to steal my fillings? Should I paint my gold ones an off-white?

Fac: You can be fully vested in the funds after four months.
M: Is there a way that I can guarantee that my retirement savings are completely invested in commodities futures? I don't really feel comfortable trading in anything else. I'd like to see some quick turnarounds and retire at forty onto a yacht.

Fac: Is this a question for the whole group or just you?
M: I think the whole group is interested in buying a yacht. (Looks around at a series of confused faces, pictures them climbing on the desk and saying "O Captain my Captain." Briefly tear up.)