Happy Birthday kitty!

It's that season again. The season when lots of people in our families have birthdays. Birthdays are interesting because they have a declining importance for a number of years and then they start to become significant again. Everyone is excited when you're five and when you're fifty. Nobody really gives a rat's ass when you turn thirty four. Except your parents, who might call you up and say, "I can't believe you're that old." And they say it with pride in their voice. No harm intended. But you're not stupid. You can read the writing on the wall. You're old.

Sage: Life isn't all about work. (Pauses) Sometimes it's about fixing heating vents.

S had a wonderful person come out to fix our heating vent today. He took one look at the vent and said, "I can't fix it." I'm assuming that he actually moonlights as our plumber on weekends. I don't really understand why we have so many service men who are so disinterested in doing a good job. (Insert long diatribe about the erosion of values like hard work and dependability). I am actually often surprised when people don't seem interested in doing a good job. I may or may not have loved every job I've had, but I suffer under the assumption that if you're getting paid to do something you should probably try and do it well. So no, maybe I wasn't the greatest stripper for that week in Vegas. And maybe some people asked for refunds and why that skinny guy was on stage. But you know what? I tried. And failed.

Birthdays in and of themselves (I'm going to turn thirty years old in March. Thirty. What have I done with my life? What are you supposed to do with your life?) aren't really that bad. You know what sucks? birthday cards. Birthday cards are pretty much the ultimate in pressure. In my opinion it's not the cards themselves, I'm pretty sure we're not expected to be perfect when calling upon someone else's cleverness.

I hate that you have to boil down all of the sentiment, or lack of sentiment that you have for someone in an area the size of a large dry erase marker. Or, alternatively, you can write a really long and heartfelt card. But that has its pressures to. I'm not all that great at sincerity. So perhaps this is just a personal failing. I consider a well-timed joke to be just as good as saying, "I love you or you make me feel good about being me." I don't actually think that's true. I think those other things are more important but they are hard to say in a birthday card.

Ex:

Co-worker who you know only vaguely and who you are pretty sure isn't aware what your name is.

M: (Should this be funny? Should it just be casual? Will they even recognize my name? Should I just sign my name? Is that a cop out? Oh, it looks like x has just signed her name. But what if she's copping out? What's funny? Wait, if I start writing this and it isn't funny, I'm screwed. Why don't they give you a pencil or an etch a sketch when you are writing in a card? Etch-a-sketch cards for all. Am I taking up too much room?)

Happy Birthday,
I hope you have a great day,
Andrew...the guy who works in....shit, shit. This isn't even important. It's your day. Forget I even mentioned who I am.

For a loved one.

M: (Well, the card kind of already expresses the sentiment. Ergo; do I just kind of capitalize off what the card has already said, or should I pull back a little, try and make them laugh? What if I just start writing sentences but nothing good comes out?).

Happy Birthday,

Great card huh. Pretty much took the words right out of my mouth and vomited them on the page. But seriously, you know that I love you right? So why buy a lousy card that says it for me. Remember that time that you dressed me up as a pirate for Halloween and I cried and cried because the ink ran in my eyes? Me neither. You never forget the good days. I guess this card was supposed to be about your birthday, but I figure you already know that it was your birthday. So I guess I'm just writing this to remind you that I love you and that I always will barring some catastrophe or if you upset me in some way. Unconditional love is easy, who wants it? I give the conditional stuff.
Happy Birthday,

x

And now we've got facebook walls to constantly remind us that everyone in the world is having a birthday. I've given up on writing on the walls anyhow because people have way too many birthdays. Our friend who spent time in Korea said that at the New Year everyone celebrated their birthday. It's like a national day of birthdays. And as much as The Office showed that having all the birthdays on one day sucks, it actually sounded pretty great. Why is it that we could never make a communal birthday fly in our country? We seem to believe that we are uniquely special. Despite all the evidence the world keeps piling at our doorstep to the contrary.

Any Facebook wall post from me on your birthday.

M: Congratulations on aging. You did a great job at it this year!

Our friends came over later in the evening and fixed the heating duct without charing us sixty bucks or claiming that the problem might "never be fixed." He just fixed it. Novel idea.

In the end you kind of just think of Gustave Flaubert's quote and realize how empty the whole idea of writing something meaningful or funny or anything in a card was in the first place,

"Human language is like a cracked kettle on which we beat tunes for bears to dance to when all the time we are longing to move the stars to pity."
— Gustav Flaubert

I suppose it is about the attempt to bridge that gap. Happy Birthday to all and to all a good night,

Andrew and Gustav (The dead guy who wrote Madame Bovary and the guy who is always wearing that grey sweatshirt. Maybe you've heard of us? No. Oh well. Just look at that kitten on the outside of the card. Cute right?)