Pillows and blankets oh my!!!

Anonymous: Never let your wife go to IKEA by herself.

Words from an early twenty first century sage. The problem with not going on a shopping trip with your wife is that she doesn't have you to hold her back from making crazy purchases.

M: What the hell are we doing in the candle section?
M: Do they actually think that people are going to buy sconces for that price? I just learned what a sconce was. And so on....

The problem is that shopping is a miserable soul-killing experience at best. Ergo; some days you just want to watch a basketball game, read a book, or rake leaves. So you skip the shopping trip. And you know what you end up with? Throw blankets.

S: We have like five hundred little throw blankets. I can hardly find space for them.
M: Yup.

A month later after returning from Ikea:
S: I bought this throw blanket.
M: I thought you said we had too many.
S: Yeah, but they didn't match. We needed a solid color on that couch. Besides its protecting the chaise.
M: I'm just glad we have another throw blanket.

Throw blankets are terrible. Have you ever tried to cuddle up in a throw blanket inside a house that has no insulation? I have. It sucks. Do you know why? Because it's still cold. As a child I used to pull the comforter from my bed and wander into the living room. Then I'd spend the whole Saturday playing video games or watching football in the complete and utter bliss of true warmth. Why? Because I was wrapped in a comforter, not a throw blanket.

A throw makes you think that you can take off your sweater and wrap yourself up in it and be warm. It deceives you! It's really like putting a series of thin napkins across your body. That might no be true. Also, why have one hundred throw blankets? At no point in time have we ever said, "Oh, we're having company. But, do we have enough throw blankets?" No. We worry about beds and sheets and you know, blankets that actually give warmth. The only plausible reason for having 100 throws is to construct one of those forts you can with kids where the blankets span the whole room. However, just get three comforters and you're set. Of course, then you'd need some blankets for your blankets and maybe a throw or five to match each piece of individual furniture.

On to pillows. As we were putting our nice blanket on our blanket S had me begin to put some pillowcases on our new pillows. Why do we have new pillows? I'm not exactly sure. The guest bedroom now consists of roughly six pillows stacked at the top. Ergo; when you try and lie down with them your feet stretch off the edge. So then you have to decide what to do with the pillows. But wait, they are decorative. So you can't just do what you'd normally do and toss them all on the floor. You know that pretty things can't just be tossed in the ground, you're not a complete savage. So you've got to burrow your way through all of these pillows to try and manufacture a comfortable place for your head without disturbing all the pillows.

Do pillows get lonely? Do pillows have intense interior lives that leads them to brooding if they are not kept with their own ilk? In short, do pillows get depressed? Is that why guest bedrooms begin to accumulate them in bunches?

I for one have always hated any guest bedroom with decorative pillows because of how awkward it makes it to put down your stuff and get sleep.

Are the pillows themselves getting sleepy? Are my pillows like my blankets? Do my pillows need pillows on which tho rest their heads?

I don't even think that my opinion about pillows has anything remotely to do with my sex. I just really don't get pillows. Hell, when I sleep at night I don't even use one. So why would I buy six of something that I won't even use?

Maybe pillows unify a room in a way that I'm just not seeing. I can really get behind the idea of hanging beautiful art on your wall, or putting books on your shelf that are interesting. I just haven't been won over on pillows yet. And I fear, dear reader, that maybe I never will be. I actually like the decorative pillows on our new bed. However, since they are decorative when we don't make our bed during the week they sit on our dresser. Now, if the pillows were usable it would make more sense.

I suppose we're living in a perpetual state of expectancy. We're hoping that one of these days someone from HGTV is going to come by and talk about the elegant simplicity of our decor, and our fantastic decorative pillows and matching throws. Maybe it's the same sort of thing as when someone reads a book that I recommend and likes it. It's some sort of affirmation that I have good taste. Is that what throws and decorative pillows are about? And why do we replace pillows so often? I'm often told it's because they get lumpy. Is that how it's going to be though? I think it just gives them character. Character is a great way to describe old things that you don't want to get rid of.

Anyhow, some day soon we'll be having a house warming party and I expect each guest to bring either a throw or a decorative pillow. I want the whole bed covered. I want my pillows to sleep like kings!