The Holidays are ending and I have gotten fat. Hey please to put a cookie in the old man's hat.

Back to life, back to reality.

Yes, I've put on a few pounds over the Holidays. As it turns out a diet of fudge for breakfast and a three dessert minimum per day, isn't the best for the human body. Unless the goal is to turn yourself into a sumo wrestler. But then you've got to learn how to die those big diapers that they were, and I'm really not a gifted knot tier as my Christmas tree experience showed.

So instead of whinging about how much it sucks to return from prolonged vacations and quality time spent with family, I'm going to celebrate my return to work! Huh, that didn't work. Apparently making your mind up about something doesn't necessarily change your perception or reality. Of course, this is counter intuitive to the sort of teaching that is prevalent in schools today. A teaching that encourages kids to reach for the stars because they can make it. Obviously these kids need to take some hard science courses (like I never did) so they can learn that stars are mostly comprised of gaseous substances and often radiate heat so strong that the poor child would be entirely incinerated while reaching. Hmmmm....When we're asking kids to reach for the stars are we subtly implying that we desire their immediate doom? I think so. So, dear reader, reach for the stars!

I'm excited to go to work tomorrow because of the wonderful DC weather! Nothing says good morning quite like a wind chill of four degrees. Although honestly, I'd settle for a cup of really nice warm coffee if the city would oblige. I'm thankful that my alarm is going to go off tomorrow at a designated time that is somewhat before the time that I'd actually like to be wakened.

I'm thankful for Ents because giant tree people are kind of nice to have as friends, particularly when they have names like TreeBeard. How does a tree grow a beard? I don't know. Crazy Ents.

I'm thankful that people will stop brining cookies into my office every day, so that I won't have to carry on a Godzilla vs. King Kong esque struggle to keep myself from eating them.

M: (Walks by them)
Don't even think about the cookies. Pretend as though the cookies aren't even there. Shit! You're already thinking about the cookies. I wonder if those sugar cookies are stale? Were they store bought? Store bought might have kept for two weeks. Oh wait, I'm not even having cookies today.

Hours pass.

M: (Walks by cookies again)
That one with the sprinkles looked good. I'm going to eat a carrot. This carrot is delicious. You know what would make this carrot taste really good? If it was a stale sugar cookie. Ah hell, I'm exercising later today.

Eats one.

I'll just have one. Real self-control is knowing that you can stop. One cookie is not going to ruin my day. But it was so good. How could it hurt to have another? The second one will be twice as good.

Feeling slightly sick. At this point I might as well finish all the cookies on the damn plate. Once you've had two it might as well be twenty. But wait. Is anyone watching? Can anyone see how addicted I am to eating these cookies? Is it strange that I don't want anyone to watch me eating? Does it have to do with the strange American pathological fear of finishing the final thing on the plate? That doesn't even make sense. I'm taking this cookie to my cube where I can nibble on it in peace.

It doesn't matter anyway, I'm going to exercise later today. Or tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll start doing sit-ups in bed. I'll write a thousand words a day. I'll....

Why put of tomorrow when you can put it off today?
Pass the cookies.