Duvet.

If you're like me, every time you come upon a conversation in which somebody says "This could really use a duvet cover," you immediately say, "What the hell is a duvet cover?" But like, you honestly mean this. You know that is it has something to do with the bed, and maybe the comforter. But honestly, what the hell is a duvet cover? And maybe your wife and her sister kind of laugh, in a way that indicates that your stupidity about the names of essential bedding items is acceptable, though not preferable, and that they know that of course you know deep down what a duvet cover is, and you're just saying, "what the hell is a duvet cover?" because you like to joke around.

S went out shopping at Ikea today. I've made my feelings about Ikea known. Thus, while she was off imaging herself in some cheap version of Swedish heaven, I took a long winter's nap. I think that taking a long winter's nap shows good character. S returned from her visit with several items that she showed to me.

S: I bought a duvet cover.
M: Oh. That's good. Right?

Unfortunately, (and I know a lot of my readers are going to be shocked by this) a duvet cover isn't actually as cool as you'd think.

S: So just spread it out and match it evenly on the corners of each part of the bed.
M: Okay. (All right, honestly, I lost interest in distributing the corners evenly really easily. It probably has to do with a combination of my poor fine motor skills and extreme impatience with housing projects. I feel a sort of mental/physical lethargy that must be akin to what a mama bear feels right before she hibernates when we talk about working all day on the house. Is it possible that it's not laziness?, and that I just genuinely don't enjoy it? Is it possible to just not enjoy some things)?

S: Now just slide it around the corner.
M: Wait. So you bought a blanket for our quilt?
S: Laughs.
M: No. Seriously. Yo went out and spent money on a blanket for our blanket? That's a duvet cover? Did our blanket wake you up in the middle of the night last week and tell you that it was cold? I mean. A blanket for our blanket? It just seems like a bit of a waste.
S: You don't know how essential this was. The black and the grey were totally clashing with each other. (She may not have said totally. And even if she did, it's clearly meant to be read as totally, as in entirely clashing, rather than as the teenage colloquialism totally, which stands for nothing.

Anyhow, if your wife, husband, girlfriend, pet dog, tells you that they are going out to buy a duvet cover just make sure you know what you're actually Okaying.

M: You told me that we couldn't get a desk because we already had one. And now this. Now you're buying a blanket for our blanket. Excuse me if it feels a little redundant.

S: Do you like the colors?

M: Do I like the colors? No. I don't like the colors. Okay, maybe I do. I'm not sure. I think I need to be angry about this for a little while longer.