A traveling guide to Brightwood abridged

When you are traveling to Brighwood be sure to tell people that you are going to Tacoma Park. When you say,"Oh, it's near Takoma Park," peoples eyes light up because people in general have heard good things about Takoma Park. They say things like, "I've heard good things about Takoma Park." And yes, you might be lying by a mile or so but people enjoy being lied to. Especially when it helps them form a more positive opinion towards your place of residence.

When your neighbor puts up a green front porch light and leaves it no for weeks mention how it is so neat that they are getting in the Halloween spirit. Mention that you saw them dressing up their kids on that October night and it brought a tear to your eye, and perhaps that's why they haven't taken the light down. Secretly make plans to shoot the light with a bb gun. Don't for fear of shooting your eye out.

When somebody says something like, "You've got a great house," make sure to respond modestly with something like, "Well, it pays the bills." When they look at you confused, ask them to give you the GDB of Turkmenistan. Accuse them of making you feel awkward with their ignorance. Invite them over again for stuffed mushrooms. Stuff the mushrooms with bits of arcana from an encyclopedia. Insist that your new diet makes you great at regurgitating information.

When somebody breaks into your unlocked car, assume that it was the first time that someone walked by your car and checked the door handle. Otherwise, you might start having crazy thoughts like, "I wonder what would have happened if I'd ever left my front door unlocked? These sorts of thoughts are unproductive and its best just to dismiss them out of hand. I have a similar policy for any complaints/requests that S has for me.
S: Will you take out the trash?
M: File it in the complaint box.
S: I'm not putting it in the stupid box.
M: Then I guess it won't get done.

Whenever people are walking by your house point out the green space that is next door. "Oh yeah, it's nice to have a bit of green space right out our front door." Don't be afraid to be modest. Point out the community garden to them. Mention the horrible content of DC soil. Remember, modesty helps.

Flag down the local crazy woman who walks down your back alley. Ask her if she'll keep an eye on the squirrels for you. It's good to make the best of these things. Give her a cigarette. Leave her alone. Sleep for days. Regret every bad thing you've ever done. Wallow in self-pity. Regret every bad thing you haven't done. Wallow in self-doubt. Wake up in the morning and stand in the sun. It is warm on your face.





"In the end," she said, "it was the best thing for both of us."

Her friend nodded dutifully as friends often do. The story sounded familiar. But the coffee was warm, and it looked like hell outside anyway, grey and cold. "You're so right," she said, wrapping her fingers around the white saucer.

Assume this went with the previous post....Post is the company that makes Raisin Bran.